Thursday, October 27, 2011

#1

Why am i so sad all the time?

I just feel so apathetic, I feel as if there is this void in my life. I mean I always just feel empty, around my close friends and family. And I'm always in deep thought, I just think about how messed up this world is and how stupid these people I look at are. Its just so weird, I used to be very aggressive to my friends a lot. But around my family I act like blank and empty, I'm not angry anymore like I used to be, I never knew why I was like this. Its makes me feel so apathetic when my friends or people I know say I have anger issues, and they used to say I looked depressed. At one point, I did feel a little depressed but I tried not to do anything drastic. I barely have any good friends. This causes me to be so, antisocial. I have a lot of things, materialistic things, I have a middle class family but it doesn't bother me. And I hate feeling so empty and blank, I have everything but yet I have nothing.

And I have weird and very odd behaviors that are very unlike me, for instance I am usually a messy person but I started cleaning a lot. I mean I'm always doing a type of chores or something. Once I woke up, I'll go straight cleaning my house, my room, rearrange the furniture. I'm always constantly trying to keep myself busy, I cannot stand not doing anything. Its really weird because I never acted like this before.

I do listen to music
I drift away when my songs come on, I play the guitar a bit. But I still feel a void, and the songs I listen are usually sad or mellow. But it helps only for a while. And now i rarely listen to any music.

I am so scared that i will not be happy again. I want to hang out with some friends, watch movies etc, but then i end up doing nothing. Making plans, and last minute canceled it out, i don't know why.

I feel blessed with for having a lovely family, but i still feel lonely sometimes when i'm not around my cousins, even when i'm with them, i feel isolated. feeling like nobody cares or loves me. This is pathetic yes i know. Maybe some of you even think i'm an ungrateful person, don't take me wrong, i am grateful of everything i have. It just, i can't help it, feeling sad all the time.

Maybe this is just another PMS-ing talk, or maybe it isn't. I am so confused right now.

I REALLY NEED A HUG. AND I NEED HELP. :(

BYE, BE HAPPY PEOPLE. xx

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